Only one more!

Tomorrow is my last radiation treatment. I am soooooooo happy about it! I still have some medical appointments coming up, for example a bone density scan on Tuesday and then see the oncologist in 6 week’s time. But it feels as if my life is coming together again and I will be a little more in control. No, I cannot keep myself cancer-free, but I can plan my days and do things. It also means I don’t have to plan my day around radiation treatment – although, in all honesty, planning my day at this stage means get up, treatment, rest.

Radiation has hit me hard and I have been really tired. But it has been better this week as I haven’t been going to work, but took the doctor’s advice and took sick leave. I was very tired today and had to force myself to stay awake during treatment ­čÖé

My skin is also burnt. I was tempted to take a photo and upload it, just as a reminder. But decided against it

I took my camera to treatment today, to get a photo of the spaceship. It was funny, I asked one of the therapists if she’ll take a photo and she was happy to. Until I pulled my camera out – she thought I meant the camera on my phone and not a huge Olympus. Suddenly these clever girls, who can handle the spaceship and all it’s buttons, wouldn’t touch the camera ­čÖé

Do NOT say/do this!!!!

I have breast cancer, I had surgery to remove it and now I am going through radiation treatment. The treatment is getting to me and I am tired, bone-tired (for the first time in my life I understand what bone-tired feels like), I struggle to do things. I sleep, but this tiredness doesn’t necessarily disappear after a good night’s sleep. The fancy word is fatigue. And it appears suddenly, without warning – one moment I have energy and I feel good and the next moment I am exhausted, all my energy gone. As if my body had enough and needs to rest and recharge

Do not tell me to be POSITIVE when I tell you how I feel. Don’t tell me to be positive when I say I am scared and sad and tired. Because, if I had energy, the only thing I know is that I positively feel like slapping you!!!!! I am positive, for heaven’s sake, but I am also sad and tired and scared. I have those feelings and although I am positive I can get through this and get better, I am scared that it is still inside my body, I am sad because I am so tired and can’t do what I want to do. Even my mouth feels tired

Don’t tell me I don’t have cancer because they removed it all when I had surgery. If I am so cancer-free why do I have to go through radiation? Please understand, I will never be ‘cancer-free’ for the rest of my life. Yes, maybe there will be no bad cells left in my body after surgery and radiation……but in my mind I will always have cancer. I will go for tests on a regular basis, I will take medication for the next five to ten years. And, for every ache and pain, I will immediately think ‘is it back?’. So DO NOT tell me I don’t have cancer anymore

If you don’t want to know how I really feel, DON’T ASK me. Because at this stage I am not hiding my feelings or emotions or how I feel. If I say I feel good, don’t look at me with the puppy eyes and the pity – I am not pretending I don’t have cancer – I am really fine!!!!! And if I don’t feel good and you ask, I will tell you because I have learnt to be honest and I have learnt to share. Maybe you don’t want me to share, but if you ask……be ready to listen

This is a horrible disease and it is a horrible journey. I am positive, but I am honest too and my feelings aren’t always positive and I am allowed to feel like that. Please allow me to be me and to travel this journey however best it is for me

 

Reflection

Cancer, surgery, biopsy, radiation, recovery and whatever else………..it is now getting to me. I went through everything, from diagnosis to the first day of radiation, quite well, without emotional up and downs, in a very positive frame of mind. But today, only the second day of radiation, I am crying my eyes out.

It seems as if I have reached my emotional limits and suddenly I feel I’ve had enough. I just don’t want to be me at the moment. I don’t want to do this anymore, I just don’t want to

Why now, why do I feel like this now that I am only 18 days from the end of this journey? The end is in sight but I can’t see it, I don’t know how I am going to get through it. I am tired and upset and alone

I want to get up in the morning and be healthy, in control of my own life. I don’t want a team of medical professionals, I don’t want to be part of this team any more

I want my life back

Radiation time

I started with radiation treatment for breast cancer yesterday and I am sorry to say, but I am already totally over it ­čśŽ It is not the radiation getting to me, it is all the waiting. Waiting, because I am too early for my appointment. Waiting, because the radiation department is 30 minutes late with appointments. Then waiting to see someone else for film t protect the breast area. And then waiting in traffic because the appointment was delayed so long that I am in the peak traffic when everyone wants to go home. No, it wasn’t the best day for me today

But I had a lovely time in Sydney last week. Visited the Taronga Zoo in Sydney on Friday with my eldest son and a friend. And then Georgy Girl┬áthe musical Friday night, We will rock you┬áSaturday afternoon and Ghost, the musical┬áSaturday evening with my youngest son. A few days full of culture and heaps and heaps of good food. Loved every minute ­čÖé