Friends

I’ve had a friend (still have?) for over 30 years. We remained friends over the years, even when we moved to different counties, and different countries again……throughout the years while the kids grew up and we changed and got older. We never visited each other much, not even when we lived in the same town. We were telephone friends, and stayed up to date with long phone calls at least once a week. This continued for years and years and years

Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And the phone went quiet. It didn’t ring before I went for surgery, or the day of surgery, or after surgery. It didn’t ring through my treatment and recovery. Yes, we talked – but only when I called

A few weeks ago my phone rang and I knew immediately it was my friend. She told me about all the stress she is going through and how hard life is and that they don’t have savings for retirement. I snapped. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have. But it bothered me that she didn’t seem to care about me and my health and my uncertainty and sadness and lack of energy and …….. I told her I missed her support during a very difficult time in my life

Her reaction was that people don’t want to talk about cancer and that you give them space and they will call when they wanted to talk!!!!!!! What? We shared our lives for so many years. I knew her husband cheated on her, I knew she was unhappy, I also knew when she was happy. She was the first person I told that I was called in for a biopsy after a mammogram – I told her how I felt and how things were for me…….isn’t that enough of a hint that I wanted to discuss this with her, share with her?

After that comment she immediately started telling me again how bad life was for her, pushing my fears and need for her support aside. I then said that there are more important things in life than her husband’s travels and their struggles and the fact that they don’t have savings. I said I have cancer and I will never be without it again, even only in my mind

Again, the reaction was not what I needed at that stage. She told me ‘let us not be negative…’ Us? She wasn’t on the same journey I was on – she chose to get off right at the start

All of this bothered me and has been bothering me for a few weeks now. Today I came to the realisation that, after all these years, she became a selfish friend.  A friend who enjoyed our phone calls and friendship……but she only enjoyed it because I gave her so much and she took it all, without the want to give back to me. Yes, it is aways about give and take. And good friends give and take as they can and need to. She wants support all the time, but she is not willing to give it back. How could I have been so blind for all these years?

I am upset, I am grieving a friend I never really had. But I also feel much lighter and relaxed within myself. And I know now not to trust again, not even old friends

When you are on a difficult journey it is your journey. Don’t look for companions to share the journey with you. There won’t be any takers. Some journeys are meant to be taken on your own

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Catching up on the latest Splendid Sampler blocks

I had a very busy day today, but managed to catch up on the latest SS blocks (SS facebook page). The bonus block was for Children’s Day and it was designed by the young son of one of the quilters in the SS group, but I didn’t like it – it has so many small little bits and it seems as if it is coming out wonky even when the experienced quilters make it. I replaced it with my own version for Children’s Day, by using the ‘paper-cut’ templates (we used to make so many of these as children) and decided to put 3 ‘children’ on it – celebrating my own three children. This made the block much more personal to me.

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Latest Splendid Sampler blocks

Went for a bone density scan earlier this week, as I have from now on take a pill (Aromatase) every day to try and prevent the cancer cells growing again. These pills can have an effect on my bones and I will be going for regular scans to make sure everything is ok. This first scan went well and the results came back yesterday – there is no sign of anything weird in the bone-density 🙂

After feeling dreadful while receiving radiation treatment every day, I had a good week with heaps of energy. It feels so good to be able to do what I want to do – instead of wanting to do stuff but not being able to because of fatigue. It was the best to take sick-leave from work during the last week of treatment. I am so happy I listened to the doctor when he suggested it.

It is long weekend here in NZ, with the Queen’s birthday celebration on Monday. I plan to relax and get more neeldlework done